my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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