Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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