Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
