I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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