I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
