Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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