also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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