I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
