I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
