Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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