you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
