Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
