You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your penis caused this!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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