Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
