Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
