Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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