were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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