I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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