I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
