I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
