Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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