I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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