i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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