dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
