i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im six kinds of drunk right now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
