i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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