oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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