We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he thought i was a dude.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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