I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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