alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
