My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
