Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
