i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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