i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
