Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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