this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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