Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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