So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
