why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
