So drunk its hurt
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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