I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
