Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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