i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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