Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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