his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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