She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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