I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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