so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
