First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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