I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm passing your future prison.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
