Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we should paint friendship bongs
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