I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
